Still dealing with lack of focus and energy. Still forgetting the Gynko Biloba. Thought I'd write anyhow. Sweet potatoes are speeding thru my world like sideways air born torpedoes. June bugs I believe in July. Still working on WIPs but making some progress there. Must quit living for awhile and go back to work for the bills. Haven't made the leap yet in any way shape or form. The question What for is seldom answered or even asked by some.
Listening to pandora and it isn't quite listening to me as far as my tastes.
Been having a facebook sort of breakdown--
I was asked a question earlier--it was "why else blog?" it was in reference to this person making one or two less than brave statements and providing a million links to click. Money. The money thing. I believe in content but silly me. Money could come as a result of that but clicks being sole purpose doesn't seem like it should work--but who knows?
It made me think of this blog and my reasons. Something somewheres to perhaps answer some questions or just present some. Just something somewheres. For someone somewheres. That is what mine is for. This is my freedom blog. My me blog. I have others with themes and ratings. I guess this is my R rated blog. My life. Mine.
I haven't been dipping into the past lately so there goes my lil excerpts that I've been sending to my kid who is interested. Maybe that pressure wasn't needed or maybe it was. Secret here is .......it's painful. I don't do the ouch thing in real life. I don't even recall or acknowledge. I try my best not to live my life because of nor despite any crap laid before me ---Like why? I have had it cush. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Out there anyways. :-)
The latest thing I'm working on (stuck on) is going to be called Complimentary Contradiction. And that it is.
It's 3 am. I'm not sure of my schedule anymore. I always naturally fall back into the night thing. It's quiet. It's mine.
I have began a stricter 24 hour plan. I devote 10 hours to work (whatever kind paid or otherwise) -- 8 hours sleep (unless I pass out for longer) --6 hours for kids-pets-social-etc -----My exercise is included where I can rob from and if anything bleeds over to the next thing I just adjust that time. By doing this--I have 48 hour days lol
Scratch that --something always suffers and lately it's been the work thing. Kids are here and it's there time. Pets need some attention same thing. Maybe I should just work every other day. Back to that damn money thing. I need a sponsor.
I once wrote "still the window" no one seemed to like it but really we all create that damn window for ourselves to one extent.
I found everything but--"still the window" =wow lol
One night around midnight I started writing some things down without a lot of thought just for something to do I suppose. It was like a long poem that changed styles and moods within pages. I've broke a piece off to share. I'm no poet.
I've waited many years on you,
Not certain who you are,
I knew that you would take me home,
Be it near or far
I worried when I went somewhere,
Perhaps I made it hard,
For you to come and locate me,
To even send a card
I looked around each place I went,
Not knowing who I'd see,
I hoped and prayed every day,
You'd at least remember me
I thought perhaps the paperboy knew,
the brothers I once had,
But when I tried to ask him,
New Moma called me bad
They isolated me from contacts,
from people who might know,
they took from me the memories,
from which that I could grow
I prayed each night to God himself,
with all my heart I'd plead
"Please take me up there with you,
don't leave my soul to bleed'
"Don't leave me on this earth dear God,
that is if you exist",
Then I'd wake up in the am. Mad!
I think you get the gist
I always kept a spark of hope,
although it grew so dim,
that you'd come and rescue me
despite my being grim
You never did come for me,
You're still not even here,
I forgot what I was searching for,
Yet remembered hollow-fear
I gave up on the mercy,
on things that don't exist,
I forgot about the home I had,
I would never slit my wrists
It's time to move forward,
I've passed to the 3rd grade,
To feel is not a good thing,
It means to be afraid
I've learned about the grown ups,
the social working sluts,
If I am to live this lie
it's gonna' take some guts
I'm grateful for you teaching me,
Fool to trust I be,
Never will I look again,
All I have is me.
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One mother closes her eyes,
to see her children grow past her
One closes her lips,
to speak the thoughts that could change things
One covers her ears,
to hear the screams of past regrets
One opens her mind,
to future dreams
One opens her heart,
to discover them gone
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One day.....I was.
One day.....I doubted.
One day.....was hopeful.
One day disappeared.
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I would like for you to know
It all had a reason
I would like for myself to know
What the season was
The season where it all went dark
Despite the rain dropped leaves
blowing through the park
The dark wet leaves that froze
In time, as if to halt me
It all comes back to that
Cold, wet, harsh leaf
The lone battered thing that
managed to sound an irritating scrape
As it blew past me without regard
for my life long quest
for Autumn's Escape.
It starts earlier every year
Now it's the second that Autumn is near
I drop all that I'm doing and all that I see
Everything that matters -that which makes me ...me
It's death or rebirth - Perhaps neither one
For certain I'm sleeping until fall is done.
Fall Sleeps as Winter Weeps
Spring brings us hope of Summer's natural Dope.
Spring is recovery time
from Autumns dreary spirit
Autumn is punishment
for Summer's Bliss
Winter is not to be spoken of
Autumn is Pain and Regret
as Winter's it's means to freeze it in soundly
Spring is a time to recuperate from it's torture
While providing hope of a Summer
Summer includes the only days in which we can own.
________________________________________
___________
It's your turn now
I've waited for you to take it,
I've done all I knew to do,
At times I've had to fake it
Take what little I could give you,
It's time for you to fly
Tis not enough to weigh you down,
I love you kids-Good bye.
My life -it is all over,
It's not a time to mourn,
It's a time for you take your turn,
I'm so happy you were born.
:-)
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I've been driving for a long time now
My eyes are getting weary
I'm losing my grip on the steering wheel
Perhaps you should be leery
Leary of my driving skills
For years I've owned no car
I learned as I got you there on time
Panicked by how far
We kissed the ground each time we parked
Thankful for our health
I would've gladly paid a chauffeur
If not for our lack of wealth
I'm honored that you trust me
For the confidence you feel
I'm dodging maples left and right
Feel free to take the wheel!
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Once I live upon a time
A shadow I did cast
Now I'm in a different role
Not future, now, nor past
I exist because you let me
A picture I will paint
You hold me deep within your heart
I appear-although it's faint
I splash the ink upon the pulp
I dance across the stage
I'm here because you've called on me
To decorate your page
I've never had a true love
At least not one in flesh
That's how I have love to give to you
A gift that's pure and fresh
When it's just a blank you see
A void where once your art
Open up your soul to me
I'll flow throughout your heart
Where it is the music plays
the voices ring aloud
Where lovers meet, laugh and sway
I'll be amongst the crowd
I'm present in the daycare room
At theatre-back staged
I frequent many concert halls
With passion I'm engaged
Yes, indeed I lived upon a time
You must now live upon your own
Don't wait before your canvas on me
I'm You--all the way to the bone.
:-)
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It amazes me, the polished platinum people who begrudge one their rusty tin.
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Be proud of the good make up job you did. You created it. Your natural skin tone? Just a given.
Be proud of your new blue contacts. You earned the money to buy them and chose carefully the color. Your natural eye color? Just a given.
Be proud of staying out of the sun and having a porcelain complexion, or tanning and getting an even, gorgeous tan. You worked hard on both. Again, your skin color? Just a given.
Be proud of moving to the best mass of land possible for you needs, your family etc. It was a choice you made. Where you were born? Just a given.
Be proud and grateful for your degrees you hold. You worked hard to get them. Your family's money? Just a given.
Be proud/grateful for opportunity that you took advantage of. You made a wise choice. Gifts? Just a fortunate given.
Be proud of your long walk with a child or two on hip at 5 am to the daycare in order to make it to your job interview, as you fought to keep your appearance fresh in the 100 degree sun. You worked hard. The position behind the desk awarded you by grandpa that you don't like? Just a given.
If all you got or can come up with are "givens" You got nothing. Don't be proud. Get to work on change. Most importantly, don't be jealous of those who take advantage of opportunity and work hard to achieve what you want to whine about. All anyone starts off with are their "givens" some more fortunate than others. Those who show up and obtain something (employment, education, money, food, etc) through hard work and belief, despite greedy obstacles laid down before them by the more fortunate with nothing but "givens", should be cheered on by us all, and should be proud.
Just a few thoughts that hit me and I thought I'd share.
Enka! If you don't know what that means you should really learn the language if you want to live here. It's American, look it up.
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The last one is like an essay --the final remark has to do with those who make statements like that and don't realize that it includes them too (satire so to speak).Looking for that one poem/prose Still the window got me looking at old entries. The flow was far stronger back then. What has changed? Life-lack there of? Participation? Age? Not sure. Not sure anymore need be said. But there will be ;-)
with selfish greedy jackasses 
sick
uncomfortable
blank
loved
calm
thoughtful
tired